A. I feel disgusting in my own skin.
B. my hormones hate me, and its making it hard for me to loose weight.
C. we dont have all the proper foods at home, and im embarassed to ask for it, i dont want my mom to spend the money.
D. wft is a Juicer? and why are they so god damn expensive.
E. somehow ive gained weight...ughhhhh
F. i effing hate going to the Gym, all the creepers stare at you, and all the high school girls with perfect bodies judge you. I feel like shit everytime i go.
this week im going on a juice fast, wish me luck ladies, ill update along the way.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Puff it, Pass it, Push it, Peddle it
This blog will make absolutely no sense, so I apologize ahead of time. I miss Kevin. I miss having him around every day. It’s so hard going from seeing each other most days to nothing or maybe twice a month kills me. I’ve gotten used to it (it’ll be a year since he moved away in February) but it doesn’t mean it makes me happy. I miss when we would write each other notes and read them during class in high school. Some of my best memories were sneaking out of class and kissing in the hall when no one’s around. High school love is so funny, because everything is Taboo and wrong. When one is in College and you see a couple kissing, you turn your head and move on. High school-“someone call the police! Those teenagers are engaging in a lewd manor and should be beaten with large metal objects”. I cant imagine what it would be like to spend a basic month together in the same room now….But we are moving in together within the next year, and Im grateful for that, because I don’t know what I would do without him here much longer.
Sunday, January 9, 2011
have you ever met someone...
...Who made you think "give it five years and she'll be awarded with an AVN? God i felt like that today...
And People who just can't get over ANYTHING?!?! like yeah i hoped you got hit by something large, moving, and treachorous...but get over it for god's sake. Your a moron and no one is going to respect you.
Oh, and when you do something disgusting and immoral, don't expect people to think your a better person for dealing with it; generally people think you messed up. you have to accept that instead of praise for your bullshit, your going to be ridiculed. and if you dont like being called a "slut" or some variation SUCK IT UP! You did this to yourself.
And people who think that their better than you? the 5'0 tall 105 lbs. of bitchy attitude that i cannot even fathom, i mean you may be the most important person to yourself, but i dont particularly give a bums thumb about you or your kickass retro ideas. and i dont fucking like how you pretend to like me. your weird, and awful.
I also hate when any certain individual tries to tell me how to act around people they dont even know. or they dont know me. ive never talked shit about someone without understanding their situation. and when i tell you i dont care about you its because my short time on this planet has nothing to do with you and im not going to waste my time trying to build a relationship with someone who is redundent and dirty.
And People who just can't get over ANYTHING?!?! like yeah i hoped you got hit by something large, moving, and treachorous...but get over it for god's sake. Your a moron and no one is going to respect you.
Oh, and when you do something disgusting and immoral, don't expect people to think your a better person for dealing with it; generally people think you messed up. you have to accept that instead of praise for your bullshit, your going to be ridiculed. and if you dont like being called a "slut" or some variation SUCK IT UP! You did this to yourself.
And people who think that their better than you? the 5'0 tall 105 lbs. of bitchy attitude that i cannot even fathom, i mean you may be the most important person to yourself, but i dont particularly give a bums thumb about you or your kickass retro ideas. and i dont fucking like how you pretend to like me. your weird, and awful.
I also hate when any certain individual tries to tell me how to act around people they dont even know. or they dont know me. ive never talked shit about someone without understanding their situation. and when i tell you i dont care about you its because my short time on this planet has nothing to do with you and im not going to waste my time trying to build a relationship with someone who is redundent and dirty.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Goal for this week
So ive been on a diet for about a week and a half and Ive lost 4 lbs. I hate that my hormones are fighting me the whole way!! I just want to have the body i had in highschool. ugh!
by January 11th i want to loose 5lbs. Im going to completely cut out soda, chocolate, or anything from a fast food restaurant. Im going to use the Wii for an hour every day, and go to the gym 4 times.
I hate going to the gym. I always get sideways, nasty glances from other women, and men think that i would be interested in giving them my number. but Im going to get over it so i dont fail this week. Wish me luck!
by January 11th i want to loose 5lbs. Im going to completely cut out soda, chocolate, or anything from a fast food restaurant. Im going to use the Wii for an hour every day, and go to the gym 4 times.
I hate going to the gym. I always get sideways, nasty glances from other women, and men think that i would be interested in giving them my number. but Im going to get over it so i dont fail this week. Wish me luck!
Monday, January 3, 2011
Sometimes the first time is the worst time
In January of 2006, I was a sophomore at Ralston Valley High School. In my Math class, I met a person named Austin Freeman Ayers, he was the most intriguing boy I’d ever seen. He was tall, dark, skinny, and extremely engaging. At the time he had a girlfriend but there was a rumor going around that she had back hair, so I figured it wouldn’t last. When that fiasco was over, I slinked in and gave him my number. That night he called and I knew he was hooked. We immediately started dating and would talk on the phone at night, and occasionally meet at the park. I’ve never been excited to go to math class, but the thought that I could sit next to him and take notes was heavenly. Austin was brilliant, but he didn’t have a lot of common sense and through a series of unfortunate events he was expelled; we broke off our relationship shortly after, put kept a strained friendship, considering we still had a certain tenderness for one another. He called me every night no matter what at 10pm.
On October 4th, he didn’t call. I knew something was wrong but I didn’t want to pester him. In the morning I received devastating news. I didn’t believe what they had said and I called a mutual friend to confirm. Afterwards, I proceeded to cry on the shower floor for close to an hour. The act of sobbing seemed overwhelming to me, but liberating at the same time. I struggled between breaths as the cinderblock on my sternum began to break apart. As soon as my legs could withstand any heaviness I crawled out and went to school with wet hair. I needed to know if it was true; I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him. The only thing I found at school was more details and more crying. He was inebriated and riding his favorite long board next to a man in a suburban holding on to the window but eventually had to let go. I heard everything from “he just cracked his head” to “he got sucked under”. Somewhere in there was the truth but that morning I couldn’t find it. I felt as if Death was following everyone who knew him. I couldn’t stand class; I needed rest. I made the drive home and slept for hours and woke up feeling like I needed something substantial to hold on to. Then, like a wave it came rushing forth into my mind; the glass heart.
In a memory long past, Austin went to Flagstaff, Arizona for spring break and brought me back a glass heart he had a man make for me. It fit perfectly in my palm and is still one of the most beautiful things I own. I destroyed my bed room searching for it and when I found it I felt this weight lifting and inner peace. For the next six months that heart was always in my purse or I was carrying it. At his funeral I clung to that little piece of glass as if I were to let go I’d fall off a cliff into a river. I told Austin I would never lose it, I promised him.
In May of 2009, I decided that I would bravely go where I had never dared a second glance into; a tattoo parlor. Inside was a striking tattooed woman named Jeanie and I asked for her opinion of my idea. She said it sounded right up her alley and would love to work with me. I sat down with her and together, we drew up a picture of what I wanted for Austin. The heart was my crowning jewel, the centerpiece of my project. Around it was stargazer lilies. I chose this particular flower because whenever he and I would spend time together he was always staring at the sky. Written on their petals was “Alis volat propriis”, a Latin saying which translates to “she flies with her own wings”, which signifies my independence as a person and my love for language. Pretty, feminine details were added for flair and Jeanie set a date. I was so nervous I almost didn’t go. I knew it would be painful, but I really had no idea either way. I knew Austin would love it, so backing out was never an option.
On June 2, 2009 I let someone puncture my skin with tiny little needles for four hours and felt rejuvenated after. The physical pain matched my emotional pain, and with healing physically, also I let go psychologically. I received grievance from my family for altering my body in that way, but as I explained to them the touching importance it had over me, they came to love it as much as I did. Austin would have been astounded by the help it made. Time does not heal wounds, you must bandage a wound, apply ointment, and treat it carefully so as not to cause infection or nasty scarring. That is how the heart mends as well. I took care of my heart and eventually it made a full recovery.
The keepsake delicately etched in my skin is to remind me to be a great friend and to take advantage of a human beings precious time. This is not a sad story; it is one with the lesson of serenity to accept the things that one cannot control, and care for your heart as you would a scrape on your knee. As Jeanie so eloquently put it, “Your body is a temple, and the highest level of respect is adornment”. I respect my body, I respect the sanctity of life, and I respect the value of a promise to a loved one.
On October 4th, he didn’t call. I knew something was wrong but I didn’t want to pester him. In the morning I received devastating news. I didn’t believe what they had said and I called a mutual friend to confirm. Afterwards, I proceeded to cry on the shower floor for close to an hour. The act of sobbing seemed overwhelming to me, but liberating at the same time. I struggled between breaths as the cinderblock on my sternum began to break apart. As soon as my legs could withstand any heaviness I crawled out and went to school with wet hair. I needed to know if it was true; I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him. The only thing I found at school was more details and more crying. He was inebriated and riding his favorite long board next to a man in a suburban holding on to the window but eventually had to let go. I heard everything from “he just cracked his head” to “he got sucked under”. Somewhere in there was the truth but that morning I couldn’t find it. I felt as if Death was following everyone who knew him. I couldn’t stand class; I needed rest. I made the drive home and slept for hours and woke up feeling like I needed something substantial to hold on to. Then, like a wave it came rushing forth into my mind; the glass heart.
In a memory long past, Austin went to Flagstaff, Arizona for spring break and brought me back a glass heart he had a man make for me. It fit perfectly in my palm and is still one of the most beautiful things I own. I destroyed my bed room searching for it and when I found it I felt this weight lifting and inner peace. For the next six months that heart was always in my purse or I was carrying it. At his funeral I clung to that little piece of glass as if I were to let go I’d fall off a cliff into a river. I told Austin I would never lose it, I promised him.
In May of 2009, I decided that I would bravely go where I had never dared a second glance into; a tattoo parlor. Inside was a striking tattooed woman named Jeanie and I asked for her opinion of my idea. She said it sounded right up her alley and would love to work with me. I sat down with her and together, we drew up a picture of what I wanted for Austin. The heart was my crowning jewel, the centerpiece of my project. Around it was stargazer lilies. I chose this particular flower because whenever he and I would spend time together he was always staring at the sky. Written on their petals was “Alis volat propriis”, a Latin saying which translates to “she flies with her own wings”, which signifies my independence as a person and my love for language. Pretty, feminine details were added for flair and Jeanie set a date. I was so nervous I almost didn’t go. I knew it would be painful, but I really had no idea either way. I knew Austin would love it, so backing out was never an option.
On June 2, 2009 I let someone puncture my skin with tiny little needles for four hours and felt rejuvenated after. The physical pain matched my emotional pain, and with healing physically, also I let go psychologically. I received grievance from my family for altering my body in that way, but as I explained to them the touching importance it had over me, they came to love it as much as I did. Austin would have been astounded by the help it made. Time does not heal wounds, you must bandage a wound, apply ointment, and treat it carefully so as not to cause infection or nasty scarring. That is how the heart mends as well. I took care of my heart and eventually it made a full recovery.
The keepsake delicately etched in my skin is to remind me to be a great friend and to take advantage of a human beings precious time. This is not a sad story; it is one with the lesson of serenity to accept the things that one cannot control, and care for your heart as you would a scrape on your knee. As Jeanie so eloquently put it, “Your body is a temple, and the highest level of respect is adornment”. I respect my body, I respect the sanctity of life, and I respect the value of a promise to a loved one.
Remember, the person who can make you the happiest can also make you the most miserable.
“They do not love that do not show their love. The course of true love never did run smooth. Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but Love.”
Love is dangerously close to Lust, which borders Jealousy, which is sometimes worse than Hatred. Be careful in giving away your heart because the love you feel can easily tear you apart. Your love could lust after another, and the big green monster lurking in the background of your life is shoved into your unsuspecting face, causing you to not only hate your lover, but also yourself for not feeling good enough, or feeling like a fool. Love is the most beautiful, amazing feeling in the whole universe, warm like staring into the Sun. Just be aware that the Sun has Radioactive waves that cause skin cancer, and you may get burned.
oh hey there
Im going to blog once a week for an entire year. 2011. Please send me requests on what youd like me to write about, ill give my opinion, no matter what the subject matter. Nothing will scare me away :)
thanks, Alora
thanks, Alora
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